“He will once again fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.” Job 8:21
Loss and grief can be debilitating and isolating. I have noticed lately that it has been very hard to get back into the swing of things. Last week, my college dean explained that she wants each of us faculty members to share about ourselves in our weekly meetings, and I have found myself struggling with where to start. A year ago, I was not a mother to angel babies. A year ago, I had a mom to call with my fears, my troubles, my triumphs, my joy. A year ago, I knew who I was, and I knew I wanted to work toward becoming a better Christian and prepare the way for being a mom.
One year later, after losing 2 pregnancies and my mama, I have found that I am losing faith in myself. It has been so hard to make decisions confidently, trusting that my plans are in alignment with what God wants for my life. Unfortunately, not all of us have such clear directions the way Jonah and Job did, and fortunately, most of us have not dealt with such extreme tragedy either. Regardless, the feelings we experience after loss are timeless.
In addition to planning for a family, Jeff and I had been planning to begin the process of moving back to East Tennessee from central South Carolina starting this summer. I have found the process of simply looking at houses online, especially in this crazy housing market, quite paralyzing. I feel like there are so many choices and so few choices all at the same time. Worst of all, I am so afraid of making the wrong choice, I am resisting making any decisions at all.
So, today, I turned to my Devotional Bible’s index, and under “brokenness,” the section “restoring joy” spoke to me. That devotional jumps to Job 3 – 9, and who could be a better testament to brokenness than Job? If you are unfamiliar with the book of Job, my Lutheran study bible describes that the key messages to this book relate to why the innocent suffer. The book grapples with the misunderstanding that pain and suffering are a result of sin, and that is simply not true. God made creation as a celebration, and he takes delight in what he has made. He does not delight in, nor cause, our suffering.
Job 3 follows Job having lost everything from his wealth to his family, and finds him cursing the day of his birth – “let the day of my birth be erased, and the night I was conceived. Let that day be turned to darkness, let it be lost even to God on high. (Job 3:3 & 4), and in Job 3:13 he explains, “Had I died at birth, I would now be at peace.” Oh how the events of this year have allowed me to relate to Job.
I certainly appreciate that we get to see how Job’s friends responded. The next several chapters of Job are back and forth of Job explaining his misery and his friends trying to rationalize what has happened and how the future will likely be full of happiness again. While his friends ultimately blame sin, which the Bible explains is incorrect reasoning, there are several parts that provide great hope to all of us who are frozen.
Eliphaz responds to Job’s anguish, reminding him that he had encouraged people and strengthened them when they were weak. Job was a source of strength in the past for those who suffered, and then when he was hurting, a switch flipped quickly to despair (summarized from Job 4: 3 – 5).
I cannot help but to reflect on my own life. While I have had ups and downs over the years, I have ultimately had a blessed life. I have thoroughly enjoyed letting my light shine, as my mom did. Especially in the last several years, I have tried to share positivity on my social media accounts, to post Bible verses and things I have learned along the way. Until my miscarriage, I can say I had felt as though I was wrapped in joy most of the time. But, Eliphaz stated it perfectly in Job 4:5 – “When trouble strikes, you lose heart. You are terrified when it touches you.”
Seeing yet another prominent figure in the Bible so broken and hopeless is a true testament to the trials people of Earth face on their path to Heaven. I can definitely sympathize with Job. Like Job, when trial after trial knocked on my door, I certainly wanted the pain to end. He describes how he feels as though God has continually attacked him, and I am pretty sure I have even spoken the words of Job 9:18 this year – “He will not let me catch my breath, but fills me instead with bitter sorrows.” It helps put life into context today.
Though his friends ultimately blame sin, each of them had great promises to share with Job that give me hope today.
- Eliphaz says in Job 5: 8 & 9, “Go to God and present [your] case to Him. He does great things too marvelous to understand. He performs countless miracles.”
- Then, in Job 8: 21, Bildad states, “[God] will once again fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.”
- Curious what Zophar had to say, I jumped ahead to Job chapter 11. Given that I have had such a hard time letting my light shine lately, and that one of our twins was given the name Hope, versus 17 – 19 really got me, “Your life will be brighter than the noon day. Even darkness will be as bright as morning. Having hope will give you courage. You will be protected and will rest safely. You will lie down unafraid, and many will look to you for help.”
How about that last one for a wake up call?
The devotional Bible includes a “letter from God” as well for this section.
“Beloved Daughter,
I am your loving Father. I am able to restore all that is lost. What I give back will fill your soul and help you complete My purpose for you.
I want you to trust Me and to find rest in Me when your world is turned upside down. If you will surrender everything to Me, nothing will hold you back from my blessing. Let Me give you a whole new perspective on what you see as lost.
Love,
Your heavenly Father”
Okay, so I am sobbing now. Right?! I mean, with a God who can restore what is lost, provide a way in the darkness, a plan for me when I am unable to plan for myself, how can I not run to Him!?
What these early chapters from Job show us is that we don’t need to be trapped by fear and darkness. We don’t have to lose confidence in ourselves. We can reach out any time to a God who listens and who cares (which, I guess, is what the last chapters of Job are about – I need to read them, too!) It is time to actively choose joy and look for God’s lamp unto my path to guide me out of the darkness as we venture onto athe next path of our journey.
This Going HomeSteadily blog will be loaded with stories about how I am working to rebuild my faith, how we have survived repeated pregnancy loss and fertility complications, learning to live life without my mom, striving to dig ourselves out of massive student loan and multiple mortgage debt, sharing a full time home office, cultivating a home garden, relearning the Bible as an adult, exploring and planning for a homesteading future, and above all, actively choosing joy.
So, stay tuned, and God bless.
Stephanie Brown
